I launch off you to achieve my own unhappiness
Thank you for the inspiration
It means so much not to be alone in this world
I’ll show my appreciation by
Insulting your cooking in all sincerity
To what do you owe your success I’ll smile
While planning in darkness to use your answers
Against you in clever ways
You have no need to do the same
But find other ways to play
Your scorecard is kept in your back pocket, next to your phone
That you pull out when I’m telling you
This story about our future
I love this modern game of love, don’t you?
Note: “I usually like my poems to stand alone but I feel like this one needs an addendum, only if because it’s not ready to stand alone. It’s the first one I’ve written in a while, freeform as most of my poetry is. It just spills onto the page without much direction from me. After a while, I get better at it. Forgive my floundering efforts (like this one) while I struggle again to find my rhythm.”
After hitting a low point, clawing myself out for a few months into the light of the “real world” only to detonate myself and a few innocent people around me (not literally for those that might be frowning or gasping in a concerned way), I’m back here “blogging” and reading other people’s “blogs.” Melodramatic opening, I know. Sorry, not sorry. I’m at the bottom looking up again and wondering how the hell do “normal” people do it? (Begin “Appeasing Statement.” No offense to serious bloggers. I’m not implying that the blogging sphere is necessarily “the bottom.” Just that I end up here when I personally hit “the bottom” emotionally. End of “Appeasing Statement.”)
Time for some self reflection, poetry and art to cheer me up, bolster me for the next big failure of my life. Haha. Damn is it hard not to be self-depreciating. Maybe I should take one of those courses that help you suppress your “id” and become one with the world around you. Hard not to see that as willfully guzzling the poison that up until recently you’ve only been sipping. Do I sound like I’m whining? Don’t answer that, I might be forced to come through the screen and slap you.
Some random thoughts I had to get out. I’ll post some poems over the next few weeks if anyone cares to read them, doubt they’ll be much good but they are, shall we say, therapeutic.
Sorry you read this thinking it might be entertaining, but then feeling as hollow and disappointed as a child leaving a cut rate amusement park with nothing more than sticky hands and a ragged teddy bear missing an eye to show for your efforts when you reached the last few sentences without even uttering a single amused grunt.
You write “I am worth it” all over a blank piece of paper in order to convince yourself of that fact. Twenty minutes later you have a cramp in your wrist and a very desperate and sad looking piece of paper. The worst part is, this isn’t even a suggestion from your therapist. It was your idea. Hahaha. Funny.
Anyway, here’s to hoping everyone else is having a better day.
Can anyone tell me why I have (for example) two views and eleven likes? It doesn’t make sense to me. Why like something that you haven’t read?
Anyway, I wanted to post something different today. I’ve been putting up a scattering of poems that I’ve written, mostly because I think they reflect the stage of my life I’ve been going through. Now I’ve decided to throw up something of a journal.. And wouldn’t you know it, I can’t think of anything to say… So…
This is strange for me. I’ve always been a private person, so this decision to blog surprised me a little. Why share things with a world you’d rather close yourself off from? I guess I can take a little comfort in knowing that most people on this site appear just to breeze through, arbitrarily liking and following you in an attempt to induce you to do the same. Haha. Only kind of kidding.
I’ve been diagnosed recently with depression and anxiety. I suppose I’m in a rather wide, crowed boat. I think something like 121 million people worldwide have been diagnosed with depression, and something like one in ten people will suffer from some form of it at one point in their lives. (You may want to fact check me, I’m relying on my increasingly faulty memory to recall those figures.) Some may find that comforting. We aren’t alone, after all. I find it nauseating.
Maybe I thought that sharing my progression through this illness (and hopefully beyond it), albeit in a somewhat distanced form, would be therapeutic? I don’t know. I’ve begun (yet again) to doubt my decisions. I suppose the best thing to do would be to continue and see, wouldn’t it?
This isn’t what I intended to write about. See what happens when you don’t set goals? 😉
Anyway, signing off for now. I have a warm bed and blanket calling my name.
(Also, what is a slug? Besides an oozy garden creature. It’s under advanced settings, and I can’t find it in help.. probably because I’m lazy.)