I guess I’m back.. Or Today’s Random Thought.

After hitting a low point, clawing myself out for a few months into the light of the “real world” only to detonate myself and a few innocent people around me (not literally for those that might be frowning or gasping in a concerned way), I’m back here “blogging” and reading other people’s “blogs.” Melodramatic opening, I know. Sorry, not sorry. I’m at the bottom looking up again and wondering how the hell do “normal” people do it? (Begin “Appeasing Statement.” No offense to serious bloggers. I’m not implying that the blogging sphere is necessarily “the bottom.” Just that I end up here when I personally hit “the bottom” emotionally. End of “Appeasing Statement.”)

Time for some self reflection, poetry and art to cheer me up, bolster me for the next big failure of my life. Haha. Damn is it hard not to be self-depreciating. Maybe I should take one of those courses that help you suppress your “id” and become one with the world around you. Hard not to see that as willfully guzzling the poison that up until recently you’ve only been sipping. Do I sound like I’m whining? Don’t answer that, I might be forced to come through the screen and slap you.

Some random thoughts I had to get out. I’ll post some poems over the next few weeks if anyone cares to read them, doubt they’ll be much good but they are, shall we say, therapeutic.

Sorry you read this thinking it might be entertaining, but then feeling as hollow and disappointed as a child leaving a cut rate amusement park with nothing more than sticky hands and a ragged teddy bear missing an eye to show for your efforts when you reached the last few sentences without even uttering a single amused grunt.

Cheers,

Megan

You know you’ve hit a low point when… (Or Today’s Random Thought)

You write “I am worth it” all over a blank piece of paper in order to convince yourself of that fact. Twenty minutes later you have a cramp in your wrist and a very desperate and sad looking piece of paper. The worst part is, this isn’t even a suggestion from your therapist. It was your idea. Hahaha. Funny.

Anyway, here’s to hoping everyone else is having a better day.

Cheers

Today’s Random Thought

Warning, the following random thought does contain some vulgar language because I contain vulgar language. Don’t read it if vulgar language offends you. I will delete your complaint comment if you read it anyway and become offended. This is not a poem. So don’t read it if you wanted to read a poem. Go read a poem instead. I do have a few on my site…

Continue reading

Let’s Have Us A

little chat

written 4/27/2015

by Megan Blaney aka wiedienacht


Why do I feel worse now

Isn’t this supposed to be a cleansing

Of air

A release of some sort


The beginning of my recovery

As it were

But I don’t trust you

I keep my secrets

Close


I lied


I will reinvent you into someone who

Can know me


Am I

Hiding

Using this as an opportunity

Not to face


This gnawing this hunger inside me

Tearing me open from within

This heat searing inside

Inescapable

But I don’t want to

I can’t

So


Let’s just forget we had this little chat

Better

For you and me both

That way


Well at least

Better for me

I don’t know you

Anyway

Insipid Thruths

written 5/9/2015

by Megan Blaney aka wiedienacht

What’s that I should gather

From your inflections

Your insipid connotations


Cough sneer

You can thank me later

You laugh and slide closer

Further away

At my side only when convenient

More often worming ahead

Drafting me like a piece of flotsam

In your wake

Wake up I tell myself

Daily, heading my advice

Only when the chorus of wails

Around become unbearable and I drown

Them out and my own

Incessant whisperings beseech me

And I can listen peacefully

You stare listlessly beyond

Focusing on a pale spot near

My left shoulder, livid eyes

Never look toward me, only past

Tendrils of once savored feelings

Now soured and rotten

Bind us still

Here together

Your words keep slipping past me

Enticing cloying honey

Vivid bright surfaces I’m meant

To understand but

Hidden truth surges under

Tipping up, striking through

Dark strong currents, forceful rancor

Iced over masked with concern


Here take my hand, you say

And I know I shouldn’t

But I take it anyway

Mildly Frustrated? Or something of a confession.

Can anyone tell me why I have (for example) two views and eleven likes? It doesn’t make sense to me. Why like something that you haven’t read? :/

Anyway, I wanted to post something different today. I’ve been putting up a scattering of poems that I’ve written, mostly because I think they reflect the stage of my life I’ve been going through. Now I’ve decided to throw up something of a journal.. And wouldn’t you know it, I can’t think of anything to say… So…

This is strange for me. I’ve always been a private person, so this decision to blog surprised me a little. Why share things with a world you’d rather close yourself off from? I guess I can take a little comfort in knowing that most people on this site appear just to breeze through, arbitrarily liking and following you in an attempt to induce you to do the same. Haha. Only kind of kidding.

I’ve been diagnosed recently with depression and anxiety. I suppose I’m in a rather wide, crowed boat. I think something like 121 million people worldwide have been diagnosed with depression, and something like one in ten people will suffer from some form of it at one point in their lives. (You may want to fact check me, I’m relying on my increasingly faulty memory to recall those figures.) Some may find that comforting. We aren’t alone, after all. I find it nauseating.

Maybe I thought that sharing my progression through this illness (and hopefully beyond it), albeit in a somewhat distanced form, would be therapeutic? I don’t know. I’ve begun (yet again) to doubt my decisions. I suppose the best thing to do would be to continue and see, wouldn’t it?

This isn’t what I intended to write about. See what happens when you don’t set goals? 😉

Anyway, signing off for now. I have a warm bed and blanket calling my name.

(Also, what is a slug? Besides an oozy garden creature. It’s under advanced settings, and I can’t find it in help.. probably because I’m lazy.)