This Week in Fake News

AWPYD7 Elderly woman raising eyebrow and looking at camera, portrait, close-up

Photo Credit: AWPYD7

I got bored and wrote a fake news article after browsing the internet and reading a bunch of real ones. Of course, I don’t really condone a shooting gallery/ kid’s playhouse. That sort of goes without saying… This is satire.

There may be six fewer houses on Low Street by the end of August as town officials find a way to improve visibility for traffic entering High Street from Low Street.

The plan, which is being proposed to accommodate the expected increase of traffic from the new multi-million dollar shooting gallery and kid’s fun-house, Shoots N Tots, includes making the base of Low Street into a water slide that will empty directly into the fun-house.

A public hearing will be held on Thursday, December 24 at 1:30 am, near the end of a Christmas selectman’s ball to discuss the changes that by then will already be under way. RSVP is required, BYOB (bring your own bananas.)

The proposed plan would allow the DOT to issue a traffic flow permit for the new shooting gallery and kid’s fun-house that is under construction. This should have been done before construction began, but who has time for foresight? Rhetorical question, of course.

The building is expected to open next March. The water slide will open shortly there-after, and employ at least four and a half school age children to satisfy the state’s strict right to work laws.

Town Manager Ty T. Pants told selectmen last week that four to six houses on Low Street next to the Holy Mercy Orphanage would have to be eliminated. That’s the least restrictive way to provide safe traffic flow once the new building opens, he said. Other ideas included making a large on-off-ramp directly over the houses, or tunneling underneath or directly through them, but those proved to be cost prohibitive. When questions arose about relocating the current residents, the town manager said with a bemused expression, “They’re low income houses.”

Last week, the Planning Board unanimously approved, with conditions, the site plan application for a gun owner’s and children’s recreational building downtown (the aforementioned Shoots N Tots). The 55,000 square-foot complex is being built on an Ancient Native American Worshiping ground acquired by the private company Whetakeyo Land last year via a rider attached to a spending bill passed and approved without line item vetoes by Governor LaMeduck. Only kidding, of course, he line-item vetoed at least half of the  bill, but his vetoes were all overridden in a painstaking process lasting at least 78 hours longer than it should have, digging into the politicians’ upcoming four week recess.

The four conditions for the sight completion are: a DOT traffic movement permit must be obtained at least some time before the roof is installed; a maintenance plan for catch basins and erosion must be submitted merely for formality since no one knows what that means; a sign plan must be submitted but not read since no one reads much any more; and the water slide must employ school age children, preferably those that cannot afford school lunches and for whatever reason are unable to sweep the cafeteria.

The driving force behind the project is a growth in both children and so-called “Patriots with guns”, Georgette Green, vice president of community relations, said last year over tea with NRA president Ima Dick. This should, she said, take care of both of those issues.

Whetakeyo Land has 82 affiliated entities located in this state alone, including Just Cause We Can, which sells confederate flags and other hate memorabilia, on Garden Street just past the bakery.

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